‘Lost in the fog’. That’s the phrase my boyfriend used to describe how I am at the minute. Hearing things like that about yourself are never easy. Particularly when it comes from someone who you spend most of your time with. For months now I’ve been complaining about my weight but just ignoring it and not doing anything about it. But a couple of weeks ago I ordered some scales from Amazon and weighed myself. I literally cried when I saw how heavy I was. And in some ways it was a good thing as it really gave me a good kick up the arse, but in other ways, weighing myself was the worst thing I could have done. I’ve become obsessive over it and miserable. Writing those words feels tough. Writing this feels cathartic. The trouble with being lost in fog is that it can lead to a dark path. Where no light can get through.
But enough with the metaphors and cliches. This is actually more of a positive note. I need to be kinder to myself. I know that. I demonise myself sometimes which is so unhealthy. Physically and mentally. It makes me anxious and causes me to become a hermit. I detest going out at the minute as I’m convinced someone will mistake me for Moby Dick and come at me with a harpoon. Which is ridiculous. I’m a size 12 which is actually the UK average. Yes, I’m not happy with my body shape at the minute or weight, but it’s not permanent and I’m slowly making inroads to change this. I think I’m writing this to remind myself that I’m not disgusting or fat. I just feel shit about my body. Which is fine. I need to use that feeling to change it. Not to sink into some depression where I believe all the things my irrational self tells me.
In two weeks I have lost 9lb. I am really happy with that and feel quite proud. I love food (obviously), and that has led to me putting on weight. I always cook my meals from scratch, however, I was always cooking such rich food, cooking in butter or cream. Eating a lot of bread and having three sugars in my tea. I would eat late into the evening and do no exercise whatsoever. It was only when I weighed myself that I realised I needed to change something as my body shape would continue growing the same way it had been for the last few months. I was just making excuses all the time to avoid changing anything.
Exercise is a powerful thing. It makes you feel accomplished and that you have achieved something. Even if you do just 20 minutes a day. It’s more than I was doing before. Don’t get me wrong, I bloody hate every second of it and would much rather stay on the sofa reading my book, but that’s not going to get me to my target. I have always worked well to deadlines or goals. They give me focus and an urgency to do something about it. I have a target weight in mind and I want to hit it by Easter. The last couple of days I’ve tried to put less pressure on myself to only eat healthy food. It was making me so miserable! I ordered Joe Wicks’s new book ‘The Fat-Loss Plan’ and the recipes look so simple and quick to do that I know that will help to keep me on the right track. I’ve also cut out bread and sugar which is quite tough! Especially when I cook a bacon sandwich for someone and I can’t eat it myself.
The other thing I’ve started doing this morning is keeping a food diary and exercise diary. I know that I will start seeing results physically soon and I can’t wait to have to go clothes shopping as mine will no longer fit me. That’s the plan anyway. I have no self-confidence and it kills me sometimes. I would love to just look at this as a minor problem, but it feels like the biggest weight baring down on me. I feel like I’m good at nothing and I’m a failure in life. Which is a crushing feeling. So I’ve also started a list of things I enjoy and things I’m good at. It is so easy to not do anything you like when you feel crap as you just sit there and think about how shit you feel and before you know it, hours have gone by and you are slowly turning into a zombie, a shadow of your former self and I desperately want to avoid this happening.
So this is a reminder for myself – BE KIND TO YOURSELF.
Because I don’t deserve to beat myself up or to lose part of myself to something that will be fixed in a couple of months. I just need to be patient and to believe in myself more. And I know my ‘sparkle’ will be back soon. I’m very lucky to have a partner who constantly supports me and encourages me. Looks after me when I’m upset and down on myself and puts a smile back on my face when I don’t want to smile.